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HomeOff Topics Jokes-Puzzles-Riddles › only a man would attempt this
04-21-2009 10:10 PM  9 years agoPost 1



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Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. ..?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling..

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

04-21-2009 10:55 PM  9 years agoPost 2
Ray Fernandez

rrElite Veteran

Guam (U.S.A.)

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Now I don't care who you are, that's funnier than heck!

Ray Fernandez - GUAM

04-22-2009 08:46 PM  9 years agoPost 3


New York , U.S.A.

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ahhh i thought poor Gracie was gonna get it

Thanks, that has to be the funniest thing i've seen in a long time!

04-23-2009 02:53 AM  9 years agoPost 4


Owosso, MI USA

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THAT was funny right there!!!

04-23-2009 03:31 PM  9 years agoPost 5

rrKey Veteran

Brampton, Ontario

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That was great!

I remember a friend was over at my house many years ago (big guy, built like a tank, bodybuilder type), and he had brought one from the states and wanted me to give him a little shock to test it out.

I had a bad feeling (about him crapping his pants on my white carpet), so I made him stand in the tub before i gave him the test he wanted.......I still laugh to this day about it. No crap, but went down pretty nice, and screamed like an 8 year old school girl....

This thing was a 9V battery one....I have it one tape somewhere....maybe when he becomes rich I'll dig it out for blackmail

04-24-2009 12:49 AM  9 years agoPost 6


New Hampshire

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That's hilarious!!

Please do it again, but video and post it for us

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04-24-2009 02:03 PM  9 years agoPost 7


Frozen Tundra

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My lungs hurt from laughing so hard!


"Who the hell decided 9 to 5 was normal anyway? Betchya Dracula doesn't think that."

04-24-2009 05:21 PM  9 years agoPost 8



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Ha Ha
I have discovered since I posted this joke that it has already been posted on RR before but thats ok. This is funny. I still laugh soooo hard each time I read the joke. I keep thinking that it will get old but when I get to the part ".....HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! " I can't control the laughter.

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