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02-09-2006 06:05 AM  12 years agoPost 61
chuckhager

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Clovis, CA

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Loved it!

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02-09-2006 02:24 PM  12 years agoPost 62
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing. If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage. If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself. This has been a recorded announcement."

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02-09-2006 02:25 PM  12 years agoPost 63
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking unto himself a bride.
"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who's a gonna love you like a Momma? Who's a gonna starch-a you socks? Who's a gonna make-a you lasagna?"
"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Why are you talking like that? We aren't even Italian."

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02-11-2006 01:43 AM  12 years agoPost 64
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A man walks into a drug store with his son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys: ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool,"says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers: TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men: ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March..."

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02-11-2006 01:23 PM  12 years agoPost 65
Kokamo

rrApprentice

Liberty Hill Tx

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Guy Martin.......you so funny

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02-13-2006 10:43 AM  12 years agoPost 66
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Q: What did the blonde say after having multiple orgasms?
A: "Way to go, team!"

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02-13-2006 10:43 AM  12 years agoPost 67
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had his ear to the wall, listening. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.
The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months."

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02-13-2006 10:44 AM  12 years agoPost 68
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.
He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember." said the saleslady, "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"
The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".

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02-14-2006 01:38 AM  12 years agoPost 69
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Did you hear about the boarding house that blew up?
Roomers are still flying!

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02-14-2006 01:38 AM  12 years agoPost 70
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy, "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

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02-14-2006 01:39 AM  12 years agoPost 71
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So, she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked.
The woman says, "Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.

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02-15-2006 09:00 AM  12 years agoPost 72
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. " Then get your own blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

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02-16-2006 09:12 AM  12 years agoPost 73
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she needed to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

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02-16-2006 09:13 AM  12 years agoPost 74
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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There are two Quebecois hunters who have been lost in the woods for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for some form of salvation or something similar, they suddenly spot, through the brush, a peculiar looking tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Jacques" says the first hunter "Dat's a bacon tree! We're saved!"
"You're right, mon ami!" says Henri. So Jacques goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the forest floor and calls across to the wounded Jacques.
"Jacques!! Jacques!! Que ce qui se passe?"
With his dying breath Jacques calls out... "Run, mon ami, run! Dat's not a Bacon Tree! "Dat's... a HAM BUSH!"

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02-18-2006 05:06 AM  12 years agoPost 75
sunfm

rrApprentice

Chemainus BC Canada

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Too Funny
great collection of jokes

thanks for the posts

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02-18-2006 02:22 PM  12 years agoPost 76
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean -- ‘the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?’"
Peter said, "Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his parabolas."

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02-18-2006 02:22 PM  12 years agoPost 77
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A guy starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins and they wind up back at his apartment.
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He thinks the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.
She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."
So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."
The other girl says, "It’s been a few weeks. Do you think he'll remember us?"

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02-18-2006 02:23 PM  12 years agoPost 78
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord. I found one."

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02-21-2006 08:36 AM  12 years agoPost 79
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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02-21-2006 08:38 AM  12 years agoPost 80
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the alter boys stood up.

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