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HomeOff Topics Jokes-Puzzles-Riddles › Add your Blonde Jokes!!! (no-offence to blondes)
02-09-2006 07:03 PM  12 years agoPost 101
Rob Harrison

rrNovice

Mobile, Al. U.S.A

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Why did the blonde have a bruised belly-button?


keep scrolling


Because her blonde boyfriend is dumb too.

Robert Harrison Mobile, Al.Proud Member of A.C.M.A.

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02-09-2006 11:44 PM  12 years agoPost 102
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

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02-09-2006 11:46 PM  12 years agoPost 103
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

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02-09-2006 11:49 PM  12 years agoPost 104
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."

"She'll read it very slowly."

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03-11-2006 06:01 AM  12 years agoPost 105
1974jason

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Alberta, Canada

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What did the blonde say after having a baby?

Is it mine??

I'll Fly anything once!!!

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03-12-2006 12:38 AM  12 years agoPost 106
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

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03-16-2006 12:21 AM  12 years agoPost 107
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race.
The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool.
The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out.
Twenty minutes later, the blonde reaches the end and gets out.
The judge says,
"The gold medal goes to the brunette,
the silver medal goes to the redhead,
and the bronze medal goes to the blonde".

The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser or anything,
but I think the other girls were using their arms!"

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03-16-2006 12:26 AM  12 years agoPost 108
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then he said, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

The blonde replied, "Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" said the sheriff.

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! My first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

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03-22-2006 01:49 AM  12 years agoPost 109
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of t he innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Cincinnati and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody until you plug this thing in."

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03-22-2006 09:01 AM  12 years agoPost 110
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up to the TV. The 10:00 PM news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer replied, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde said, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on."
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.? The blonde was very upset and handed $20 to Homer saying, "Fair"s fair, here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he wo! uld jump."
The blonde replied, "I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.

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03-22-2006 11:28 AM  12 years agoPost 111
Thud

rrNovice

Ireland

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The others were using their arms
Classic!

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03-25-2006 11:09 PM  12 years agoPost 112
Tailspinner

rrVeteran

JAMAICA, NY

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The Redhead

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the Doctor's' office and says that her body hurts. Wherever she touches it.

Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on Her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes Her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle And screams.. Everywhere she touches makes her Scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a Redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a Blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your Finger is broken."

Are you on the list?

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04-04-2006 08:56 AM  12 years agoPost 113
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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The blond had been married about a year when one day she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.
"Why are we so happy?" he asked.
"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" She said.
"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about".
She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down.
"I'm pregnant!" she gasped.
The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while.
He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.
Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."
"What do you mean more?", he asked.
"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

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04-11-2006 11:01 AM  12 years agoPost 114
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack," Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."
"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 911'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

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04-13-2006 06:19 PM  12 years agoPost 115
Luckylandings

rrVeteran

Oregon USA

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The Ventriloquist......

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little smart-ass on your knee!"

____________________________________________________________

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04-20-2006 08:59 PM  12 years agoPost 116
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

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04-21-2006 04:26 PM  12 years agoPost 117
spork

rrVeteran

Mountain View, CA

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How do you get a blonde to marry you?


Tell her she's pregnant.

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04-21-2006 08:56 PM  12 years agoPost 118
sdlloyd

rrApprentice

Delaware, Ohio

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paint the porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked
the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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04-24-2006 07:40 AM  12 years agoPost 119
Luckylandings

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Oregon USA

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Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are Steelhead in this river?!"

___________________________________________________

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04-24-2006 04:50 PM  12 years agoPost 120
trashmanf

rrNovice

Kent, WA

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driving blonds
A blond is driving with her blond friend. She asks her friend, "is my turn signal working"? Her friend sticks her head out the window, looks back and says "yes.... no.... yes.... no...."

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