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HelicopterOff Topics › Shortest Runway in the world?
12-18-2003 06:43 PM  13 years agoPost 1
G.Man

rrProfessor

Bristol

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As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:
PILOT - B'jeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !
CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!
PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!
PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!
PILOT - An den stamp an der brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!
CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I
can.
So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul.

The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere.

But, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all,
Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure,

Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes b'jeesus, but just look how wide it is?"

Oldies can still be topical

Don't Email me as I wont reply - PM Only (spam countermeasures)

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12-18-2003 07:44 PM  13 years agoPost 2
Drunk Monk

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Preston, UK

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That's fookin funny

Paddy and Murphy where walking past a farm and notice a sign saying tree fellers wanted.

Paddy turns to Murphy and says "Tree fella's wanted, shame there's only two of us"


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-18-2003 07:55 PM  13 years agoPost 3
shaggy

rrApprentice

USA

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That is fookin funny shut!!

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12-19-2003 10:11 AM  13 years agoPost 4
Thumbpilot

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Navan, Ireland

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LOL

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were caught sleeping with a sultans women in the Middle East and were sentenced to be castrated.

The castration would take place according to thier occupations:

Paddy Englishman said he was a a butcher so his pecker was chopped off with a butchers knife.

Paddy Scotsman said he was a carpenter so his pecker was sawed off with a scroll saw.


Paddy Irishman thought about what happened to his friends and said he was a lollypop man..........................

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12-19-2003 11:27 AM  13 years agoPost 5
RotorX

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London

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lol - funny

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12-19-2003 03:09 PM  13 years agoPost 6
Drunk Monk

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Preston, UK

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Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman have been captured by a tribe of savages and are waiting to be executed when another captive whispers to them that the tribe are afraid of natural disasters. On hearing this, the three friends work out a plan. Later, the Englishman is standing in front of a tribal firing squad (using bows and arrows). The tribal chief proclaims, "Ready, aim-" "ERUPTION!" yells the Englishman, who escapes while the tribe are fleeing, terrified. When everything has quietened down the Scotsman is brought to face the tribal firing squad. The tribal chief proclaims, "Ready, aim-" "EARTHQUAKE!" yells the Scotsman, who escapes while the tribe are looking over their shoulders, saying, "where?". When everything has quietened down the Irishman is brought to face the tribal firing squad. The tribal chief proclaims, "Ready, aim-" "FIRE!" yells the Irishman.


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-19-2003 03:56 PM  13 years agoPost 7
Thumbpilot

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Navan, Ireland

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Paddy Englishwoman, Paddy Scotswoman and Paddy Irishwoman emigrated to the USA.

On arrival at JFK the immigration officer searched their luggage. In Paddy Englishwoman's suitcase he found 7 pairs of panties. She explained one for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

When he searched Paddy Scotswoman's suitcase he found 5 pairs of panties. One of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. She said I don't wear any at the weekend.

Then he searched Paddy Irishwoman's suitcase and he found 12 pairs. Puzzeled, he asked why 12.

She replied one for January, February.............................................

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12-19-2003 04:04 PM  13 years agoPost 8
Drunk Monk

rrProfessor

Preston, UK

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There was an englishman irishman and a scotsman who worked on a buildin site.

it was time for their dinner so the englishman opened his bait box and said "if i get cheese sandwiches tommorrow i will throw myself off that bridge" the scotsman and irishman say the same


so the next day comes and the englishman has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge

the scotsman looks and he also has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge and the irishman looks and he also has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge


at the funeral the wives meet up and the englishmans wife says "i could of just made him another kind of sandwich" the scotsmans wife says i would of got another kind of cheese" the irishmans wife says i do not know why he jumped he made his own sandwiches.


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-19-2003 04:09 PM  13 years agoPost 9
WMac

rrVeteran

Skotlande

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There is a Scottish criminal, an English criminal and an Irish criminal all being chased by the cops. Trying to lose them, they dive into a shop basement, find some empty sacks and crawl into them. The police, hot in pursuit, dive into the basement after them but are surprised to find only old sacks and various stock for the shop.
"Better give these sacks a poke to check they're not in there." says one of the officers.
They poke the sack that the Scotsman is concealed in...
"WOOF"
"Ah, must just be a dog in there having a nap."
They poke the sack that the Englishman is hiding in...
"MIOW"
"Aww, it's just a little pussycat."
They poke the last sack, which the Irishman is in...
"POTATERS"

Will


Beep Beep! One Road Travel, with Dominic Byrne!

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12-19-2003 04:46 PM  13 years agoPost 10
Drunk Monk

rrProfessor

Preston, UK

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Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.
"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..." says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui..."
Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th thth th th th th th th th thth..."
"Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
Then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th ththth..."
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!" Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?"
"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.
"E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out "...- D D D D D Derry!!"


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-20-2003 08:26 AM  13 years agoPost 11
Chem Geek

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AL

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Ooh ooh I got one!!

SO...A Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman all enter a bar. They all ask for a pint of guiness. The lovely bartender places a pint in from of each of them, and in each pint is a fly.

The Englishman pushes the pint away, saying it's unacceptable, and wants another.

The Scotsman takes one look at the fly, grabs it, throws it on the floor and downs the pint.

The Irishman sees the fly, and picks it up carefully by the wings, and examines it. After a moment he starts screaming at the fly "Spiddit ooot, SPIDDIT OOOT!"

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12-20-2003 09:26 AM  13 years agoPost 12
Alistair

rrKey Veteran

no where land

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brilliant guys... lol

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12-20-2003 11:27 AM  13 years agoPost 13
Drunk Monk

rrProfessor

Preston, UK

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An Englishman,Scotsman and Irishman were in a bar drinking somewhere is South America.They noticed a pot of money in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for. "Well" said the barman "that is there for the taking for anyone who can 1rink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes 2:Go into that box over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot. 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman". What happens if we fail they enquired. "If ye fail and survive", the barman said, "ye'll be sold as sex-slaves to a local tribe". Despite the risks they said they would try it. The englishman goes first and after half the tequila he collapses drunk and is taken away to be sold. The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lion cage.The door is closed and there is a quick scream as he is eaten alive by the lion, unable to defend himself. The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions den. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are the most spinecurdling screams and shouts coming from the cage which lasts all of ten minutes.There is banging up against the sides of the box and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered,bleeding and torn - "now" he says " where is that lady with the thorn in her foot"


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-20-2003 11:30 AM  13 years agoPost 14
Drunk Monk

rrProfessor

Preston, UK

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I think I'll make this the last one

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-20-2003 12:24 PM  13 years agoPost 15
Alistair

rrKey Veteran

no where land

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hahah, that's the hottest ****s

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