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HelicopterOff Topics Jokes-Puzzles-Riddles › Some Irish levity.................................
03-17-2009 11:42 AM  8 years agoPost 1
hootowl

rrProfessor

Garnet Valley, Pa.

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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment. Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 at poker and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.

*******************************************************************************************************

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy O'Rourke, looking like he's just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Connor," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," says Paddy, "'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

*******************************************************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening."

"That I did," says the drunk with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank me heavens," sighs the drunk, "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

********************************************************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you may come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin" ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh, God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me!"

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Patrick is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim, and asked, "Tell me, how did it happen, Tim?"

"Oh, it was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh, my dear Lord! But, you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

********************************************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So, what's botherin' you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "Mary, you must tell me. What did he ask?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun."

********************************************************************************************************

A drunk Shamus O'Rourke staggers into a Catholic church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but Shamus continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

Shamus mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

********************************************************************************************************

Wolves don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep

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03-23-2009 06:38 PM  8 years agoPost 2
trashmanf

rrNovice

Kent, WA

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LOL there were several new ones here by me, I love em all...

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