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HelicopterOff Topics Jokes-Puzzles-Riddles › Creative Writing 101
11-29-2005 11:30 PM  12 years agoPost 1
GimbalFan (RIP)

rrProfessor

Big Coppitt Key, FL

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1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall

29. As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual.

(#29 above stolen guilt-free from CudaBoy_71 below)

op-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-t

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11-30-2005 09:16 PM  12 years agoPost 2
cfranks

rrVeteran

Adelaide South Australia

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Thanks for that. I haven't laughed so much for a long time. I can hardly see the keyboard for tears.

Charles

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11-30-2005 09:25 PM  12 years agoPost 3
cudaboy_71

rrElite Veteran

sacramento, ca, u.s.

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i used to buy the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest book every year. this is the winning entry for 2005:

As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual.

great stuff.

if it ain't broke, break it.

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12-01-2005 10:03 AM  12 years agoPost 4
pistole

rrVeteran

Heli Land ....

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.
fecking LMAO @ Cudaboy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.
.
.

Rap70. TT70.Rap50. TT50.RD8000.

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12-01-2005 10:24 AM  12 years agoPost 5
bagobitz

rrVeteran

saddleworth,lancs,UK

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I Prefer S U's myself, they jut out further and the knob in the middle is much more prominent and easier to twiddle
I must admit to the odd occasion where i've spilled my dashpot oil over them, but it's not a problem ,if you're well prepared and keep a box of tissues handy.
Them Strombergs? PAH. squashed flat imitation of the real deal.

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12-02-2005 11:53 PM  12 years agoPost 6
cudaboy_71

rrElite Veteran

sacramento, ca, u.s.

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how sexy is that? don't spill your oil there bagobitz...grrrrr

if it ain't broke, break it.

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12-03-2005 12:09 AM  12 years agoPost 7
bagobitz

rrVeteran

saddleworth,lancs,UK

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that a sh1tflier or a dolopo****e ? tasty pair o'carbs,-small,but perfectly formed
Just thought...Herald ? been oot of the trade over10 years now.....memory fading fast.

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12-03-2005 12:10 AM  12 years agoPost 8
bxc53

rrApprentice

Directly over the center of the Earth ( 98223)

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Man that pic brings back fond memories!

Mostly of the girls I used to date with my old MG...

But not the Saturdays I spent trying to keep the %#*@ thing running!

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12-03-2005 04:19 AM  12 years agoPost 9
the collective

rrKey Veteran

Bayside, NY, U.S.A

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More bad prose here... before you click on the link below, be warned, these are the "Bad Sex in Fiction Awards", so the passages might be offensive to some...

http://books.guardian.co.uk/departm...1652812,00.html

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