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01-23-2007 02:10 PM  10 years agoPost 601
JohnDa

rrVeteran

England, South West

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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst my wife came home with no panties!! "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her bum that said....From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

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01-23-2007 08:24 PM  10 years agoPost 602
Bart B

rrKey Veteran

chicago illinois

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Take a few minutes to try this, you may be surprised by the results.
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top
down

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01-23-2007 11:30 PM  10 years agoPost 603
XQZME

rrNovice

Boynton Beach, (South-Florida) - USA

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Huge Cover-Up by U.S.

July 1947

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the Federal Government.

However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, roughly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr, Hillary Rodham, John F. Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born.

I hope that this information has cleared up a lot of things you may have been wondering about.

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01-24-2007 12:46 AM  10 years agoPost 604
GimbalFan (RIP)

rrProfessor

Big Coppitt Key, FL

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An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife gave birth to a boy. Elated, the chief built her a teepee made of deer hide. When the second wife gave birth, also a boy, the chief built her a teepee of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but this time the chief kept the details secret. He built this wife a two-story teepee made of hippopotamus hide. None of the tribe could guess whether she had brought forth a son or a daughter. Finally, a brave guessed that the third wife had had twins.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you know?"

"Elementary," said the warrior. "The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

op-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-thwop-t

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01-24-2007 01:41 AM  10 years agoPost 605
Billingsnutz

rrApprentice

Summerville South Carolina/Mobile Alabama

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Um... I don't get that one at all. I must be tired.

Annoying the world one person at a time

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01-24-2007 03:23 AM  10 years agoPost 606
Kraken

rrApprentice

Phoenix, AZ

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Pythagorean theorem or something?

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01-24-2007 04:49 AM  10 years agoPost 607
trashmanf

rrNovice

Kent, WA

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The value of the square of the hypotenuse is the sums of the squares of the other two sides.

it's a weird joke... I heard another that the punchline was, theres no plate like chrome for the hollindaise. these jokes are big wastes of time because they take forever to set up.

Did you hear the one about the guy who walked into the psych's office wearing only underwear made of saran wrap?

The doctor said, "well I can clearly see, youre nuts"

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01-24-2007 09:01 PM  10 years agoPost 608
Bart B

rrKey Veteran

chicago illinois

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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged
in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

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01-25-2007 01:12 AM  10 years agoPost 609
XQZME

rrNovice

Boynton Beach, (South-Florida) - USA

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One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and then daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies." Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said "Oh honey, that's sweet but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

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01-25-2007 09:09 AM  10 years agoPost 610
JohnDa

rrVeteran

England, South West

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BILLY'S GAY DANCER DAD

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the

Children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was
being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his Father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man,
Rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say.

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01-27-2007 03:58 AM  10 years agoPost 611
Tailspinner

rrVeteran

JAMAICA, NY

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Once upon a time
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't freakin think so.

Are you on the list?

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01-27-2007 05:15 PM  10 years agoPost 612
XQZME

rrNovice

Boynton Beach, (South-Florida) - USA

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At last, A bumper sticker for both parties.

FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper
sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state . Its......

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put in on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

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01-27-2007 09:23 PM  10 years agoPost 613
Bill Collins

rrApprentice

Middletown, CT. U.S.A.

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speaking of Hillary.....
a good slogan (as heard on a local morning show)

"America is drowning. We need a dyke"





No witty signature at this time. Please check back later......

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01-27-2007 09:41 PM  10 years agoPost 614
Billingsnutz

rrApprentice

Summerville South Carolina/Mobile Alabama

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Annoying the world one person at a time

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01-29-2007 03:45 AM  10 years agoPost 615
gamedog53

rrNovice

New York

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My wife needs a better job to support my RC hobby

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01-29-2007 01:57 PM  10 years agoPost 616
Bart B

rrKey Veteran

chicago illinois

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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen, which had a sign attached that said," This bull mated 120 times last year. "The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

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01-30-2007 03:20 AM  10 years agoPost 617
XQZME

rrNovice

Boynton Beach, (South-Florida) - USA

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The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

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02-01-2007 05:20 AM  10 years agoPost 618
Kokamo

rrApprentice

Liberty Hill Tx

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Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got
back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so
sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is
I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old
dead
fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and
a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got
bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off
was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I
warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted
her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she
split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted!

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02-01-2007 10:14 AM  10 years agoPost 619
JohnDa

rrVeteran

England, South West

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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs. $45.00

The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

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02-02-2007 01:22 AM  10 years agoPost 620
XQZME

rrNovice

Boynton Beach, (South-Florida) - USA

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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" said the wife.

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

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