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11-28-2005 11:08 PM  12 years agoPost 21
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They quickly dressed, then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been.
The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, noticed the condition of shoes and yelled, "Liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you!"

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11-28-2005 11:09 PM  12 years agoPost 22
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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An exquisite painting, entitled "Home for Lunch", was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked and very black men, sitting on a bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a pink penis.
Two women were standing there, staring at the painting, scratching their heads, and trying to figure the painting out.
The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion.
"Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about this picture of three black men on a bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not African-Americans. They're West Virginia coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home For Lunch."

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11-28-2005 11:09 PM  12 years agoPost 23
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."
"It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse!"

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11-28-2005 11:10 PM  12 years agoPost 24
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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This dude shows up to work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers ask what happened, he tells them: "I went to church, and there in front of me was the fattest woman I had ever seen. When she got up after kneeling in prayer, I noticed her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so I reached over and pulled it out. So she turned around and smacked me one."
The guys laugh and rib him about it all day.
A week later, he shows up to work looking like he just went five rounds with a pit-bull. Again, the guys ask him what had happened, and again, he tells them: "I went to the church, and there in front of me was that same big fat woman with her dress stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point, one of the people listening to the story says: "You didn't pull her dress out of her ass again, did you?!"
"No," he replies, "the guy standing next to me did. But I knew she didn't like that... so I shoved it back in for her."

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11-28-2005 11:11 PM  12 years agoPost 25
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," he replies. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

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11-28-2005 11:12 PM  12 years agoPost 26
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Young William came home for lunch from kindergarten. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he headed upstairs to check the bedroom. He opened the door and there was his father, who had also come home unexpectedly for lunch, stripped naked on top of his mother who was also in her birthday suit. They were both heavily into the act of lovemaking. His father noticed young William standing in the doorway and not wanting to traumatize the boy, continued humping as if nothing was wrong.
William watched a while, and after a couple of minutes asked, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride, too?"
Somewhat startled by this request, but without breaking stroke, his father answered, "Of course, son, climb on my back."
William swung himself 'into the saddle' and added that little extra weight to his daddy's energetic thrusting needed. As a result, it took only a few more moments and his mother started bucking and moaning - thrashing and writhing wildly.
"Golly Daddy, hang on really tight!" cried young William, "this is where me and Uncle Freddy fall off most of the time!"

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11-29-2005 11:04 PM  12 years agoPost 27
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A mother and her young son were flying 'Westjet Airlines' from Winnipeg to Calgary.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because 'Westjet' always pulls out on time.
Ask your mother to explain that to you."

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12-13-2005 09:40 AM  12 years agoPost 28
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A female Mountie pulled over a drunk farmer driving down the back roads.
She said to him, "You're under arrest, anything you say, can and will be held against you."
"T!ts", replied the farmer.

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12-15-2005 09:44 AM  11 years agoPost 29
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!! I tell you, I just sh!t my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have sh!t my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"

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12-15-2005 03:28 PM  11 years agoPost 30
chuckhager

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Clovis, CA

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LMAO I was rolling on that last one.

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01-12-2006 10:05 AM  11 years agoPost 31
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with massive breasts was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'. so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.'"

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01-13-2006 09:13 AM  11 years agoPost 32
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, 0ne by one "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

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01-17-2006 08:41 AM  11 years agoPost 33
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles."
So the nurse gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

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01-17-2006 12:03 PM  11 years agoPost 34
Chris Lupa

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Lancaster, UK

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Great jokes
Must of taken a while to write all them!

Sponsored by CSM and QuickUK

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01-17-2006 12:09 PM  11 years agoPost 35
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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When I come across a half decent joke, I just paste it in.

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01-19-2006 08:01 AM  11 years agoPost 36
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in the army for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment!" and then asks, "are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

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01-19-2006 08:02 AM  11 years agoPost 37
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he pulls out a picture of a beautiful girl, about 20. He orders drink after drink after drink. Finally, the bartender asks why he's getting drunk?
"I have to come home to this!" the guy says, pointing to the picture of the beautiful girl.
"What's wrong with her?" asks the bartender. "She's beautiful and half your age!"
"Exactly. She's my daughter!"

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01-20-2006 10:13 AM  11 years agoPost 38
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."

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01-20-2006 10:14 AM  11 years agoPost 39
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat!"

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01-20-2006 10:14 AM  11 years agoPost 40
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rrMaster

UK. Herts

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Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death.
He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

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