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11-08-2005 05:22 AM  12 years agoPost 1
Luckylandings

rrVeteran

Oregon USA

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No pun intended

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".


Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because, "he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him???????..
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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11-08-2005 03:10 PM  12 years agoPost 2
cudaboy_71

rrElite Veteran

sacramento, ca, u.s.

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i dunno why i love these stupid jokes.

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate that I put in six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything...meat, toast, fish, everything."

"Well," said the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eating away at your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

The dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone know that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

if it ain't broke, break it.

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11-08-2005 03:40 PM  12 years agoPost 3
Luckylandings

rrVeteran

Oregon USA

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Here is one for you!

An alligator walks in to a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says: We dont serve alligators here!

The alligator says: If you dont give me a drink, I am going to eat that lady at the end of the bar there!

Bartender: Sorry! WE DONT SERVE ALLIGATORS HERE!

So the alligator goes to the end of the bar and eats up the lady.
Walks back and says: NOW CAN I HAVE A DRINK?!?!?!

Bartender: Sorry! We dont serve drug addicts here!

Alligator says: DRUG ADDICTS?

Bartender: Yep! That was a Bar-bitch-U-ate....


:____________________________________

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11-08-2005 05:28 PM  12 years agoPost 4
DrDan

rrVeteran

Potosi, Missouri

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Okay, Okay, here's one:


A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said "we don't serve rope's here!"

So the rope walked out.

The next day, the rope went back to the same bar and the bartender stated again "we don't serve rope's here!"

Frustrated, the rope went home and seperated the fibers on his head to make it look like hair. He also put on a pair of sunglasses.

He went back to the same bar and the bartender asked, "aren't you that same rope that came here for the past 2 days?"

The rope responded "No, I'm afraid not"


Dr. Dan

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11-08-2005 05:38 PM  12 years agoPost 5
Luckylandings

rrVeteran

Oregon USA

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hehehe..

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11-08-2005 06:03 PM  12 years agoPost 6
cudaboy_71

rrElite Veteran

sacramento, ca, u.s.

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A toothless termite walked into a bar and said, "Is the bar tender here?"

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, his nurse said, "No change yet."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

and, one of my all-time favorites:

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these crazy dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me nuts. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "Relax. Relax, you're just two tents."

if it ain't broke, break it.

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11-17-2005 03:57 AM  12 years agoPost 7
burl

rrApprentice

Port Angeles WA

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I entered a pun contest once. Eager to win, I sent in ten puns to try to increase the odds. None of my puns won. In fact, no pun in ten did.

I'll spare the stories, but here are a couple of the punch lines from a couple of fave's of mine..

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Oppernockity only tunes once.

Man to wife: Honey, it's okay, she can move in with us and I'll take care of both you women! Wouldn't that be awful big o' me?


ok, i'm done. wait, one more.

I live near the ocean, I like watching birds, identifying the ducks and gulls and loons. Rarely do I see Terns here on the bay, but one day I was sure I had seen some resting on the beach. I was kinda excited about it when I told my birdwatching friend about it. He asked me, "did you throw rocks at them?". Shocked, I said "No, why would I want to do that?". He said, "I thought you were the kind of guy to leave no tern un-stoned."

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11-17-2005 04:36 AM  12 years agoPost 8
ppridday

rrKey Veteran

Detroit Lakes MN

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Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who suffered from insomnia?

He'd lay awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog.


P.

"There's someone in my head, but it's not me..."

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11-17-2005 04:50 AM  12 years agoPost 9
cudaboy_71

rrElite Veteran

sacramento, ca, u.s.

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that's not very punny.

if it ain't broke, break it.

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11-18-2005 03:19 AM  12 years agoPost 10
burl

rrApprentice

Port Angeles WA

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Ever give your car or truck a name? Something to fit it's personality, like Ol' Bessie, or Clyde or some such.

Well, I had a car with a real mixed up personality. Yeah, it was dyslexic with delusions of grandeur. Yeah, cuz every time he read his own name it said U-R-A-BUS.

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11-18-2005 05:52 AM  12 years agoPost 11
Luckylandings

rrVeteran

Oregon USA

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U-R-A-BUS
Nice! Took me a sec.

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11-18-2005 08:01 AM  12 years agoPost 12
jpee67

rrNovice

Nz

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A sad Horse walks into the bar and sits down,Barman says "why the long face".

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11-18-2005 08:03 AM  12 years agoPost 13
spritefiend

rrKey Veteran

Camarillo, CA

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so this baby seal walks into a club...

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11-18-2005 01:40 PM  12 years agoPost 14
Luckylandings

rrVeteran

Oregon USA

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so this baby seal walks into a club...
Haha! They are usually running from it. I doubt they walk into it.

Not really a pun, but did you hear about the crab that went to the sand bar?
He got so drunk that he couldnt walk crooked........


__________________________________________

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11-18-2005 03:18 PM  12 years agoPost 15
Camp

rrApprentice

PA kinda. Mostly OTR driving

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"so this baby seal walks into a club..."


BAM!

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11-21-2005 12:18 AM  12 years agoPost 16
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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help get me out of here

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11-21-2005 04:18 PM  12 years agoPost 17
webbhost

rrKey Veteran

england - Leicester

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guymartin take the legit way through the exit if you are leaving

meh

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11-21-2005 04:19 PM  12 years agoPost 18
Yug

rrMaster

UK. Herts

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I'll use my 2 trees and a giant jockstrap method.
Tallyho. K A P O W W W W w w w

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11-21-2005 09:07 PM  12 years agoPost 19
webbhost

rrKey Veteran

england - Leicester

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sounds good to me

meh

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