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HelicopterOff Topics Jokes-Puzzles-Riddles › the cheezy joke forum
12-08-2004 09:50 PM  13 years agoPost 21
Giggles

rrNovice

Denver CO

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

How do you catch a polar bear?


First ya make a hole in the ice, you suround the hole with peas, then as the polar bear comes to take a pea ya kick him in the icehole. (say if fast and its funny, trust me)

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12-08-2004 09:51 PM  13 years agoPost 22
zagidave

rrApprentice

uk.(north london)

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

what do you call a man with a car on his head


jack

sorry i know their getting cheezy

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12-08-2004 09:54 PM  13 years agoPost 23
Drunk Monk

rrProfessor

Preston, UK

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

2 men walk into a bar...........thud, thud


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-08-2004 09:57 PM  13 years agoPost 24
Ted Toth

rrElite Veteran

Myrtle Beach S.C.

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

how do you stop a fish from smelling


cut off his nose

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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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12-08-2004 09:58 PM  13 years agoPost 25
Ted Toth

rrElite Veteran

Myrtle Beach S.C.

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

when is a door not a door

when it is ajar

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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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12-08-2004 10:00 PM  13 years agoPost 26
Drunk Monk

rrProfessor

Preston, UK

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

Oh no, Ted's here, now they are going to get really bad


My dogs got no nose.

How does he smell?

Terrible!


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-08-2004 10:03 PM  13 years agoPost 27
zagidave

rrApprentice

uk.(north london)

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

thats a contender for the previously enjoyed sc32 carb

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12-08-2004 10:05 PM  13 years agoPost 28
Ted Toth

rrElite Veteran

Myrtle Beach S.C.

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

Oh no, Ted's here, now they are going to get really bad
Stephen watch out pay backs are a beecch

.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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12-08-2004 10:06 PM  13 years agoPost 29
zagidave

rrApprentice

uk.(north london)

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

whats a definition of agony?


a one armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy gonads

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12-08-2004 10:06 PM  13 years agoPost 30
Drunk Monk

rrProfessor

Preston, UK

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

Two chickens were chatting around the coop. "That big rooster next door made a pass at me!" one exclaimed.

"Really? Did you provoke him?"

"Well, I egged him on a little."


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-08-2004 10:07 PM  13 years agoPost 31
Ted Toth

rrElite Veteran

Myrtle Beach S.C.

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

Q. Define "Egghead:"

A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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12-08-2004 10:08 PM  13 years agoPost 32
Drunk Monk

rrProfessor

Preston, UK

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

LOL

What's the definition of agony?

A fly sliding down a razor blade using it's gonads as a brake!


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-08-2004 10:10 PM  13 years agoPost 33
Drunk Monk

rrProfessor

Preston, UK

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

Ever heard of the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine?


It wooden run.


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-08-2004 10:15 PM  13 years agoPost 34
Ted Toth

rrElite Veteran

Myrtle Beach S.C.

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down

from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she's blonde..it'll be

important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.

"Shh," I said, " I'm a light bulb -- I'm acting crazy to get a few days

off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday. ."

A minute later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said.

"Take a few days off, and come back when you are de-stressed”

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started

following me and the Boss asked where she was going.

I can't work in the dark," she said.

.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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12-08-2004 10:18 PM  13 years agoPost 35
Ted Toth

rrElite Veteran

Myrtle Beach S.C.

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve

grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes,

has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.

The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the

bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve

grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck

beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''


.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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12-08-2004 10:20 PM  13 years agoPost 36
Drunk Monk

rrProfessor

Preston, UK

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

Did you hear about the loud tree? It had a lot of bark. It gave another tree a splitting headache. So it took some aspen.


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-08-2004 10:23 PM  13 years agoPost 37
Ted Toth

rrElite Veteran

Myrtle Beach S.C.

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

Mr and Mrs Potato


>Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called Yam. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

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>When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

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>She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

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>When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

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>Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

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>Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

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>Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......................

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>Are you ready for this?

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>Are you sure?............................

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>OK! Here it is!

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>A COMMON TATER !!


.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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12-08-2004 10:26 PM  13 years agoPost 38
zagidave

rrApprentice

uk.(north london)

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

you won th sc32 carb where do i send it

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12-08-2004 10:26 PM  13 years agoPost 39
Drunk Monk

rrProfessor

Preston, UK

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

How Airbus bakes a potato:

* Preheat new, high-quality oven to 350 F
* Insert a 1.0 lb Idaho potato
* Go do something productive for 45 minutes
* Check for doneness, then remove perfectly baked pototo from oven
and serve.

How Boeing bakes a potato:

* Conduct market test with suppliers in Mexico, Brazil, and China
to supply 0.75 lb potatoes, choose lowest cost supplier
* Change to incumbent supplier of Idaho potatoes, insist they meet
Chinese pricing with 3% annual price reductions
* Upgrade to 1.0 lb potato, insist supplier erred by pricing for
0.75 lbs as instructed when he knows Airbus uses 1.0 lb potatoes
* Instruct potato supplier to preheat the oven to 350 F
* Demand that the supplier show you how he turned the dial to reach
350 F, and have him come up with documentation from the oven
manufacturer proving it
* Review documentation, then have supplier check the temperature
using a sophisticated temperature probe
* Direct supplier to insert potato and set timer for 45 minutes
* Have supplier open oven to prove potato has been installed
correctly, and request a free study proving that 45 minutes is the
ideal time to bake a potato in the over
* Request a Six Sigma Study showing variable cook times for various
potato sizes and orientations
* Check potato for doneness after 10 minutes
* Check potato for doneness after 11 minutes
* Check potato for doneness after 12 minutes
* Become impatient with supplier (why is this simple potato taking
so long to bake?). Demand status reports every five minutes.
* Conduct Value Engineering session and new market test
* Change to 0.9 lb potato because customers will only notice if
potato weight is reduced to 0.85 lb
* Check potato for doneness after 15 minutes.
* After 35 minutes, conclude that potato is nearing completion.
Pass through Gate review reporting all Green status.
* Congratulate supplier, then update your boss on all the great
work you' ve done, despite having to work with such an uncooperative
supplier.
* Remove potato from oven after 40 minutes of baking, as a cost
save without loss of function or quality versus the original 45
minute baking time.
* Serve potato
* Wonder aloud what on earth those European folks are doing over
there to make such good, low-cost baked potatoes that people seem to
like better than yours.


Stephen

I only open my mouth to change feet.....

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12-08-2004 10:30 PM  13 years agoPost 40
jmiceli11

rrApprentice

Erie, PA, USA

My Posts: All  Forum  Topic

With that one I think Ted wins. Ugh that was awful

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